November?

I have had two cheese sandwiches to eat today.  The ones the FLIK workers make and Carmen steals for me out of the cafeteria.  The wind is shaking my house and there is a very obvious draft from these tired windows.  I'll probably need to move my bed from against the window wall OR I will die of the cold/flu once again.  Senior year is rollin' along.  I'm not doing my work like every other year here and my attendance is the worst I've ever seen, but, now with my thesis due, class presentations, and more bullshit research papers that need to be done, I can no longer be such a slacker.  I had to take a makeup midterm today for American Government and it felt like my skin was crawling the entire time, so much anxiety when it comes to school.  I'm home sick, as usual, wahwahwahhhh.   But, I haven't been home since March and I was there for maybe 3 days.  It's just frustrating and difficult not to feel some type of familiarity, to have that comfort.  College has been one long day of me trying to get comfortable here in NY.  It's just not home, but it will do for now.  I want to adopt a kitten so badly...I'm thinking after I'm back from winter break.  I just want an excuse to name it something awesome, like Ozzy Osbourne.  Just kidding, sorta.  It's getting colder everyday and the trees are starting to look bare.  Did it go by this fast when I was younger?  I'm nostalgic for lots of things right now, but that is caused by the weather.  Time to paint and sketch for costume design class-- I love clothessssssssssssssssssss.

fall

it's fall already?  usually i'm not so resistant to the seasons changing, but this year is different.  my senior year of college is going-- a lot different than my past three years.  new faces everywhere, familiar ones all gone, or there's a mutual silence.  but i still have the people i love surrounding me, and that's good and everything i need. 

i haven't been home since march and i'm feelin' it.  it just sucks, i feel like i really am getting older.  finally trying to get my school swagger on, i want a's, lots and lots of a's.  too bad my backpack with my textbooks got stolen.  for a split second there i was a REAL student.  i never buy books, how ironic they get stolen.

re-evaluating people in my life because people are nasty and lame and dumb and are narcissistic and boring and stuck in their shallow heads and their obscure opinions and their bullshit because they think what they do everyday means something, like it's so goddamn important.  damn, i'm too angsty.

i wish i could sum up my summer, the past few months, but i'd be typing in my dark room until the sun came up!

i think my favorite part of summer was Bonnaroo in Tennessee and my time spent in Kentucky.  another good part was all the driving i did, from Westchester to Manhattan which gave me hours of traffic next to the George Washington bridge while i smoked cigs/spliffs/joints and gave a dollar to that one homeless man who stood under the same over pass each day.  roadtrips to New Hampshire, and anywhere in between.  to any and every borough that called for a trip (minus staten island, i don't see the point of going there).  to the rooftops, the sweat, the gas pumps, the packs of camel lights, to Jazz the dog, to drinking (but not drinking how i used to), to realizing there is more than i thought, to the frustration involved with New York--although my love for it will always be stronger, to some tears, to some fights, to knowing what's best for you.  

so, now it's autumn and more and more things will make me upset, and more and more things will make me the happiest i've ever been.  i'll always dread life it's bullshit, but, all that dread and depression could never stand against how much good surrounds me.

"lump sump" bon iver, this is my autumn.  i saw orange and yellow on some trees today.  here it comes.

Newest things

I can't wait for the day I can move into my room in this apartment.  When was the last time I actually had my own space.  July 31?

Senior year has started off like any other year.  My Mom even booked her hotel for graduation-- meaning I better actually graduate. 

I've been doing great I just miss having my own space.  Coming to sleep  at the apartment is like a sleep over with the two roomies all the time.  It's nice but it's a little exhausting. 

Goodnight, have to do lot's of work with my professor on my thesis tomorrow. Bleh.

P.S. Oh yeah! Bye bye summertime.  I loved you.

one hundred

How many more things can I fuck up?

weird fishes

oh blogger i missed you.  i've been occupied with tumblr (oh, how it has sucked me in).  i can't really get into twitter though, there is just something about it that doesn't work for me.  

now that winter is officially fucking over i can feel myself smiling more.  the sunshine and heat is just a reminder of how great summer is going to be.  tan, sweat and smoke.  perfect.  

i'm really busy with homework and finals week.  i've been trying really hard on creating some type of plan for myself.  no, plan is not the correct word for what i'm doing.  life does not and can not plan. life is the plan and i gotta just roll with the flow.  whatever, i'm just ramble typing.

one more week of school and then i am free!  and when fall semester starts up i am going to be a college senior.  so weird to think that.  every day feels like high school was only yesterday, and honestly i don't think that will ever change.  ehh, that's fine.

ifyouseekamy

i just want to yell "fuck" as loud as possible until i feel better. fuck man, there is so much shit right now, homework and i'm swelling with a lot of emotion. yeah, swelling is the only word that i could think of at the moment. i mean i'm not trying very hard to get my work done. procrastination! i'd like to play a few games of mexican train on my dominios set. also, my room is disgusting (among other things in the apartment) and when my room isn't clean it's like my brain shuts down, it's just like this never ending ache in my right temple (all i can seem to do is sleep and not talk to anyone, it's no good when i do this because i get into this sway about things, all things, everything.) fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk. plus i can't really celebrate st. patricks day because i'm broke (what else is new) and i have this fucking feminist political thought paper due on wednesday. and i'm tired. wah wahwah, i'm complaining too much but i think i'm on the verge of another anxiety binge.

sarcasm?

awesome list:

-alcoholics who regret everything but never say it

-that time you stole my identity and thought it looked better on you

-still not being on the chart

-"miss march" playboy movie?

-snow in Seattle, sun in New York

-not having cigarettes (actually this is really awesome and my lungs are feeling really awesome, but my nicotine receptors are fucking pissed)

-anxiety

-thinking

-thinking about family

-thinking about father

i'm so so so so so so frustrated.  i wish i could just talk.  aquarius' are hypocrites (but so are you).